


Mystic Pizza

by Kalta79



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, Hallucinogens, Parody, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-21 18:50:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11950452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalta79/pseuds/Kalta79
Summary: A 'truce' meeting between the Turks and Cloud and his allies goes horribly wrong. Set soon after the ending of the original game.





	1. Chapter 1

“Do we have to do this?” Reno asked Tseng as he sat between Rude and Elena in the conference room.

“Now that Sephiroth is dead, Rufus wants us to sit down with Cloud and his allies to try and mend fences and come up with a good way to restore the planet. They should be here at any moment, so behave yourself.”

“You know you can behave yourself if you really want to.” Elena whispered to him as she saw the familiar rebellious look on his face.

“If you would behave yourself less, you might have better luck getting Tseng into your bed.” Reno whispered back, smiling as her face started matching the same shade of red as his hair.

Feeling her face burn with outrage and embarrassment, she was about to deliver a scathing retort when Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Yuffie, and Vincent arrived. They sat down across the table from the Turks.

“What do you want now?” Cloud blurted out sullenly, and Tifa nudged him sharply.

“We hope you meant it when you said you wanted to make amends.” Tifa said, taking over. “There’s a lot of work to be done to make things right.”

“You can start by dismantling all the Mako reactors!” Barret exclaimed. “You can start by leaving Wutai alone.” Yuffie interjected.

Reno was about to make a nasty comment when a knock on the conference door interrupted everything, and Vincent opened it to a pizza delivery man. He had four large mushroom pizzas. Tseng paid the man for the pizzas, and Tifa made Cloud give the delivery man a big tip.

“I hope mushroom pizzas are acceptable to you all, I’m told mushrooms are a very healthy and environmentally friendly food.” Tseng told Cloud and his allies as Rude and Elena passed out plates and napkins.

 

***

 

“That was a nice tip.” The delivery man said as he got back into his car and drove back to the pizzeria. “Any more deliveries ready?” he asked his coworker when he walked back into the building.

“Yeah, deliver the mushroom pizzas to this address.” The coworker responded, handing him the order receipt.

“This is where I just delivered four mushroom pizzas to.” He said.

“ ** _What_**?!” His coworker exclaimed, then rushed to the stack of boxed pizzas ready for delivery and opened the first few boxes. “Oh no…” he breathed in sheer panic.

“What’s the problem?” The delivery man asked.

“Those mushroom pizzas didn’t have just any mushrooms on them! They were meant for a creative writing group.” his coworker explained.

“Well, I’m glad I got my tip when I did, then.” The delivery man shrugged. “Who knows **what** they would have given me once they started eating the pizza. And you‘re in such trouble when they recover…the one guy had a big sword with him, and one of the guys had a gun where his arm should be.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having the ideas of what everyone hallucinates planned out in my head is easy, being calm enough to type it is another story...

“Sir, I brought you some pizza.” Tseng said as he walked into Rufus’ private hospital room.

Rufus typed on the laptop provided to him for communication, since his vocal cords had not healed enough for him to talk yet. _Why aren’t you at the meeting _? the screen read when he stopped typing.__

__“They’re just eating and chatting now, fostering the kind of relationship we want them to have with each other now. I felt it better to absent myself to let them be themselves. Reno especially…he’ll not have anyone to rebel against if I’m not there.”_ _

___Very well. What kind of pizza? ____ _

____“Mushroom pizza.” Tseng replied._ _ _ _

____Rufus made a face, or so it seemed, with all those bandages it was hard to see his facial expressions, and he started typing again. _Just one bite then. You eat some too. _____ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______***_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______The conference room was almost abandoned, after except for Vincent who stayed behind, not because he was hallucinating, but because the mushrooms caused him to lose the ability to control his form, and he kept randomly changing into monsters. He hoped he wouldn’t hurt anyone, since he was surrounded by the current generation of Turks and those who had finally put an end to Hojo‘s madness. If nothing else, this reminded him why he didn’t want to be around people, it just wasn’t safe for anyone._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______***  
Tifa and Rude were looking for Cloud, who had run off for some reason, taking some pizza with him. They were following pieces of pizza crust into the men’s bathroom on the third floor, while eating some they had taken with them as well…they usually weren‘t pizza people, but something about this one was different._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh, you’re such a beautiful carousel horsie!” Tifa suddenly exclaimed to Rude as she looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m a horse?” Rude asked in surprise. Right in front of him, Tifa seemed to grow wings and a halo like an angel, and angels never lied. “That’s why these clothes feel funny on me!” Rude thought everything made sense now, and hurriedly got undressed._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re a very beautiful one.” Tifa explained as her eyes started shining. “I miss being around horses.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Wait, if I’m a horse, I’m not supposed to be able to talk, am I?” Rude wondered._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re a very special carousel horsie, of course you can talk.” Tifa said, petting his naked body like she had petted real horses before._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What are these things in my ear?” Rude touched his earrings. He also found he really liked being petted by an angel. Maybe he was a special horsie after all._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s a gold ring!” Tifa exclaimed. “That’s not supposed to be in your ear, it’s supposed to be on my finger!” She took it out of his ear, almost ripping it out in her haste to have a ring on her finger, because she had wanted one there for so long. “It doesn’t fit!” Tifa got upset at not being able to wear it._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Are you supposed to ride me first before you can wear it, Angel?” Rude asked her._ _ _ _ _ _

______Tifa gasped. “You’ve got to be right! You’re such a smart horsie!” She kissed his ear and Rude blushed, the color deepening as she continued running her hands over his well-muscled body. “Do you mind if I ride you bareback? I don’t want to hurt you with a saddle.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re an angel, you couldn’t hurt me!” Rude exclaimed._ _ _ _ _ _

______Tifa smiled as she mounted him. At first she thought she had forgotten how to do it right, because she felt something hard that she didn’t remember, then she realized carousel horsies would have a safety mechanism to secure her to him. It felt _so _good when she repositioned herself properly on top of him that she gasped again, then paused when she heard Rude gasp as well. “Are you okay?” she asked.___ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re perfect.” Rude answered. His body told him he had needed to be ridden for a long time, and now it was an angel giving him what he needed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tifa smiled once more, because feeling her mount so warmly firm beneath her was perfect for her too. “Giddy up, horsie!” she cried._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________***_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Barret and Yuffie were wandering around the building, and found themselves back in the conference room, and Barret yelled when he saw Vincent transform._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s Dyne! He’s come back to hurt Marlene!” Barret pointed his gun arm at Vincent, and before he could do anything else, Yuffie kicked him in the head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t you hurt my baby!” she yelled back at Barret, and ran to rip Vincent’s cloak off him and cuddle it in her arms like a child. “Can’t you see he’s a harmless infant? You’re just a big bully!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“When did you have a baby?” Vincent and Barret asked her, confused._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“He’s….he’s my secret love child I guess.” Yuffie replied._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________***_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Having walked back towards the conference room as well, wanting more pizza, Reno overheard Yuffie mention her secret love child, and he looked in the room, and Yuffie’s appearance kept changing, looking like all the mostly nameless women he had used for immediate release over the years. And without his cloak, Vincent looked like a process server in child support cases. Vincent’s cloak in Yuffie’s arms did look like a baby, and it had red hair. The baby jumped out of Yuffie’s arms and started walking towards the door where Reno, multiplying as it got closer and closer. Panic set in as the babies lifted their chubby little arms towards him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Daddy! Daddy! Hold us! Let us take your money!” the infants called out, and Reno ran screaming down the hall._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hallucinations continue...

Reno heard loud moaning coming from the bathroom when he was fleeing his  
money-grubbing offspring, and cautiously opened the door, spying Tifa on top of his partner, riding him like the cowgirl she once wanted to be. Reno knew Rude really needed to get laid, but judging from the obvious urgency on Tifa’s part, she needed it just as bad. “Way to go, buddy!” he said a little too loud because one of the babies was watching Rude and Tifa too, pointing and laughing at them, and when Reno talked, the baby turned to him and vanished, then Reno saw the army of babies coming down the hallway towards him again. “I hope you're wearing a condom!” Reno yelled towards Rude before he started running away again.

“What was that?” Rude asked Tifa, but before she could answer, both of them climaxed.

“You’re such a wonderful horsie!” Tifa said a few moments later. Riding a carousel horsie was so much better than she remembered. 

“No, you’re a wonderful angel.” Rude replied.

“The ring still doesn’t fit!” Tifa frowned. “Maybe I’m not doing it right…maybe you’re supposed to ride me.”

“I can’t do that, you’re an angel!” Rude was shocked by the notion of a horse riding an angel.

“If I’m an angel, doesn’t that mean I should be right?” Tifa asked him.

“Yes, but…” Rude still tried to protest, as Tifa got off him and positioned herself on the floor.

“Please ride me now.” Tifa told him. “I need that ring!”

 

***

 

Cloud found himself in the training room. He heard a noise in what looked like a closet and saw a training robot when he opened the door. As he looked at it, it took Sephiroth’s form. Cloud‘s jaw dropped. “You‘re alive!”

“Of course I am!” Sephiroth said mockingly before vanishing and then reappearing across the room. “You were willing to kill me over a girl though, weren’t you?” He said, this time reappearing behind Cloud and tousling his hair.

“No!” Cloud exclaimed. “I could never do that to my…” He shut his mouth before he finished his sentence.

“What’s that? I was your what?” A little Sephiroth appeared on Cloud’s shoulder with puppet strings, grabbing Cloud’s ear. “Come on, you’re not afraid to say what you used to call me, are you?”

“My Sephy-Wephy.” Cloud whispered, feeling his cheeks burn. “How’d you know that? I never told anyone that, and I only did it when I was alone.”

The training robot suddenly activated and approached Cloud from behind. “I’m going to kill you.”

 

***

 

Elena had ended up in Tseng’s office, waiting for the man she most respected to show up. She was wearing some special lingerie under her Turk uniform, hoping that if the meeting went well, he’d finally celebrate with her. The pizza had made her feel too hot, so she had taken her suit off. Suddenly the alarm for an unauthorized fight in the training room, which sounded like a tsunami warning to Elena. She was looking out the window at the time, and she didn’t see the blue sky, it looked like the ocean to her, and she saw what looked like tidal surge coming for her, so she jumped onto the desk and started swimming for it.

 

***

 

Rufus suddenly got a terrible craving for sweets, and he looked around for something to satisfy him, and he saw the biggest lollipop he had ever seen standing close by. He didn’t know lollipops had legs, but he couldn’t let this wonderful treat escape. Rufus took his empty meal tray and swung it too fast for Tseng to react, then he pulled the unconscious Tseng onto the bed with him and started licking his licorice lollipop.

When Tseng woke up later, Rufus was still licking him, and Tseng cried out in alarm and managed to run out into the hallway, where he ran smack dab into Reeve.

“Tseng! What’s wrong? What happened to you?” Reeve had never seen the leader of the Turks looking so disheveled or panicked.

“There’s a man-eating snake in Rufus’ room! It was trying to devour me!” Tseng explained.

“ **What**?!” Reeve dropped the books he had brought for Rufus to read during his recovery and started to head back to the elevator.

“Come back to me, my lollipop!” Rufus yelled out.

Reeve looked hard at Tseng. “A man-eating snake you say?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decided to split up the ending into two chapters, the 'roundup' which is this chapter, and the aftermath once everyone 'sobers up', which will be the next chapter.

Reeve cautiously entered the building, and made his way to the conference room. The doctors at the hospital had figured out that the pizza had hallucinogenic mushrooms on it, and the best thing to do was to let them sleep it off, so Rufus and Tseng were both sedated. But Tseng had managed to tell Reeve and the doctors about the meeting where the pizza was delivered to, so Reeve decided he had better check on everyone.

“Who’s there?” Vincent called out from his meditative position in a dark corner as Reeve entered the room.

“It’s me, Vincent. Reeve. How come you’re here and no one else is?” he asked the former Turk.

“Something happened and I can’t control myself anymore.” Vincent explained. “Everyone else left after they started eating the pizzas.”

“It’s the mushrooms on the pizza that‘s affecting you. It’s only temporary, nothing’s wrong with you.” Reeve reassured him. “Hey, where’s your cloak?” he asked Vincent in surprise.

“Yuffie stole it.” Vincent pouted. “I think she said something about going to the cafeteria.”

“Will you help me round everyone up?”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Vincent explained. “I just want my cloak back.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ve got a trank gun and a taser.” Reeve informed him. “And like I said, it’s only temporary.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Vincent said, and walked out, making his way to the cafeteria as Reeve hurriedly caught up with him.

 

***

 

They found Yuffie in the cafeteria as expected, where she was gorging herself on whatever food she could find.

“Don’t hurt my baby!” Yuffie cried out as they approached her.

“She’s using my cloak as a fake stomach!” Vincent exclaimed in outrage at Yuffie’s attempt to give herself the appearance of a woman in her last trimester with his cloak.

Reeve hurriedly aimed and fired the tranquilizer gun at Yuffie before Vincent did something drastic in his beast forms. Once Yuffie was unconscious, Vincent stiffly approached her and took his precious cloak back.

“What the hell did she do to it?” Vincent demanded to know after examining it. “It’s got some kind of…fluids…on it. Dammit that‘s gross…and I hate dry cleaners!” With that, Vincent was gone in a swirl of curses instead of his usual swirl of red.

Reeve sighed. He had hoped Vincent would help him return everyone to their beds to sleep off the mushrooms once he had sedated them. Reeve took out his cellphone and called a couple of ex-SOLDIERS he knew who were always looking for honest work. They returned Yuffie to her apartment while Reeve went to Rufus’ office to access the security cameras to find out where everyone was.

“What the…” Reeve exclaimed as he viewed the third floor bathroom camera. “Is that Rude and…Tifa?” He blushed over seeing the compromising position they had fallen asleep in. “Um…well at least I don’t need to sedate them. Wow…that’s…I…yeah…I never saw anything. Next camera!”

 

***

 

“Cloud?” Reeve said when he and the two men entered the training room.

“I killed him.” Cloud said, kneeling on the ground next to a training robot with the head cut off. “How did he know what I used to call him in private? I wonder if Sephiroth knew I wrote poems about him too. I hope Tifa never finds out.”

“Uh, not really an issue right now I don’t think.” Reeve reassured Cloud before tranking him.

 

***

 

“Are you sure about this, Doc?” Barret said to a coat rack. “I really like having a whole arm, but if you say cutting the other one off will help my gun arm function better, you’re the expert.”

One of the two men charged Barret and knocked the cleaver out of his hand, while the other man grabbed the tranquilizer gun and fired, using his marksmanship skills to get a clean shot.

 

***

 

Elena had to be tasered to safely neutralize her before sedation, because she had become convinced she was a tiger shark. An actual half-tiger half-shark hybrid, and her combat skills made getting a clean shot almost impossible. The taser had a wider field of impact.

 

***

 

When it came time to get Rude and Tifa back home, Reeve dressed Rude back in his uniform before letting the two men take him away. He couldn’t find any trace of Tifa’s panties, since that the was the only thing she was missing, and Reeve decided that her wardrobe choices were none of his business.

“That’s the last of them.” Reeve informed the men when they came back from returning Tifa to her place above 7th Heaven. “Thanks a lot for your discreet help.” He dug into his pocket and paid the men 500 gil a piece, knowing they would keep their silence.

Reeve realized he was exhausted and in need of some sedation himself, so he just went to his old office and pulled out the hide-a-bed he had kept there. No one would think to look for him here, and he didn’t want to be found when everyone woke up remembering what they had done while drugged, and that he had witnessed some of it.


	5. Chapter 5

A strange noise woke Reeve up, and he saw a shadow near his desk. He carefully grabbed the taser and tranquilizer gun from under his pillow. "Who's there?" he called out.

"Ssssshhhh, they'll hear you!" A familiar voice whispered fiercely.

"Reno?" Reeve couldn't believe he had forgotten him when he was returning everyone home. "What are you doing?" Reeve got out of bed, realizing with more surprise that Reno was hiding under the desk.

"Hiding. I can't let them find me. They'll take all my money." Reno explained.

Reeve turned the light on against Reno's protests, and saw that Reno had the last of the mushroom pizzas with him. "Who's trying to find you?" Reeve asked as he activated the taser behind his back. He was out of tranquilizer cartridges anyway.

"My secret love children. Yuffie told them I was their daddy, and they just want my money."

Reeve looked at the second-in-command of the Turks in disbelief for a moment, then shrugged and tasered him before Reno could do anything else. The redhead hit his head on the side of the desk as a result, knocking himself out. Reeve sighed and went back to bed, after hiding the last of the pizza. He'd take it down to the incinerator in the morning.

 

***

 

Tifa woke up first the next morning, feeling very groggy and sore. She was confused as to why some parts of her body registered abuse and pleasure simultaneously when she turned over. Breathing a huge sigh of relief at seeing Cloud where he belonged in the twin bed next to her, she was confused as to why she felt a twinge of guilt when she looked at her childhood sweetheart. Finally getting out of bed to head to the bathroom, Cloud woke up at the noise she made, and he stared at her with a similar mix of relief and guilt once some of the fogginess in his eyes cleared up.

“Whatcha got there?” Cloud asked Tifa.

“Huh?” Tifa was confused.

“In your hand.” Cloud explained.

Tifa realized she was holding onto something for dear life in her hand, and she slowly convinced her hand to open up. Staring at the gold earring she had been holding onto, not understanding why a conflicting series of emotions rushed over her at first. “I’m not…this isn’t mine!” Tifa blurted out, some flashes of memory making a slow flush creep up her neck onto her face.

“Is that a hickey on your neck?” Cloud asked next, as the change in her skin tone made him notice it.

“I…I need a shower!” Tifa exclaimed, running into the bathroom and locking the door, trying to ignore the marks on her body in the bathroom mirror as she put the earring down on the counter before ripping her clothes off and getting in the shower stall. As the warm water sluiced over her body, she suddenly realized her panties were missing from the clothes she just took off.

 

***

 

Cloud looked at the closed bathroom door for a few moments, then closed his eyes to try and go back to sleep. There was something he still needed to that he couldn’t remember, so he hoped when he woke up, he’d feel more with it and know what he had to accomplish.

 

***

 

Rude woke up groggy and sore as well, confused as to why he felt drained yet happy. He also didn’t understand why he was in his own bed wearing his uniform complete with shoes. And one of the shoes felt funny. Managing to fling the shoe off because it wasn’t on properly, Rude was shocked when a pair of women’s panties flew out of his shoe towards him, landing on his head. Taking them off, he noticed a label. Blinking a few times to let his eyes focus enough, his jaw dropped when he read _Property of Tifa Lockhart_.

“Why would I have Tifa’s underwear? I didn’t steal them, did I?” Feeling the fabric of the panties made wisps of memories float through Rude’s head. “ ** _What…the…hell_**?!”

 

***

Yuffie woke up to a knock on the door to the hotel suite she was staying in for the moment. She felt incredibly hungover like she had the morning after her first formal dinner back home in Wutai, having never had the rice wine before.

“Who’s there?” Yuffie managed to call out. Not being able to hear the response, she uttered some Wutaian curses as she staggered to the door and opened it. “What?!” she snapped at the bellhop who stood there with an envelope in his hand.

“Um, I was told to give this to you, ma’am.” The bellhop handed the envelope to her and she managed a polite response as she grabbed it. 

Ripping it open, she stared in disbelief at what she read. “A bill for dry cleaning? Are you **kidding** me?!” Yuffie exclaimed.

 

***

Barret woke up to Marlene tapping on his bedroom door, asking if she could make her own breakfast. “Sure thing, kiddo!” Barret replied, and he heard her feet head towards the kitchen. Barret sighed…he felt like had been drinking too much last night, but he couldn’t remember anything.

 

***

Reeve was coming back from the incinerator when Reno was trying to walk down the hallway outside of Reeve’s old office.

“That must have been some party last night I ended up at!” Reno said when he saw someone else in the hall.

“You ended up being a father about a hundred times over is what happened.” Reeve just couldn’t resist messing with Reno a little as payback for disturbing his sleep last night.

Reno paled til he was the color of snow, and the shock of Reeve‘s statement instantly sobered him up. “A father? What are you talking about?” Reno reached for his cellphone and dialed 9-1-1. “This is a life-threatening situation…I need an emergency retroactive vasectomy!”

 

***

Rude was approaching 7th Heaven to return Tifa’s panties, discreetly concealed in a small box in a gift bag, when something landed on the street next to him. As he stared at the cowgirl boots lying there, he heard a window slam.

“What was that?” Cloud asked Tifa when he saw her fling something out the window.

“I’m cleaning house.” Tifa replied in an odd voice. “Anything horse related has to go. What are you doing?”

“I’m cleaning house too.” Cloud answered as he crumpled the last of his Sephy-Wephy tribute poems and threw it with the others into the fireplace and grabbed the box of matches, lighting on and throwing it on top of his poems.

 

***

Tseng cautiously entered Rufus’ hospital room. “Good afternoon, sir.” he stiffly told his boss.

 _How is everyone doing_? Rufus typed.

“I think we still managed to achieve our objective.” Tseng informed him. “Everyone will be so embarrassed over what they remember about last night that they will be extremely polite when they run into each other in public, most likely trying to avoid them otherwise. But they won’t risk getting antagonistic towards each other anymore.”

_So a job well done after all?_

“Yes sir, may I be excused now?” Tseng asked.

 _Go about your other business_. As Tseng hurriedly left the room, Rufus thought he might have smiled at Tseng’s relief in being dismissed, but his facial nerves hadn’t fully healed yet either. He was rather embarrassed that he had licked Tseng like a lollipop, but Reeve had told him that Tseng though it was a snake trying to devour him. Rufus had heard that normal people wear costumes on Halloween, so since Rufus wanted to be normal now, maybe he would have a snake costume custom-made for the upcoming holiday.

 

***

 

When Tifa went back upstairs to go to bed after the annual 7th Heaven Halloween party a few weeks later, she was shocked to find a wrapped present in front of her door. Picking it up carefully, she went into her and Cloud’s bedroom and set it down on the dresser, gently removing the wrapping paper. Tifa loved to save momentos, to the point she had ended up having to rent a storage unit to keep items she couldn’t bear to get rid of, just to hold on to the memories. Tifa gasped when she opened the box and pulled out an angel figurine with an actual gold ring in her size as its removable halo.


End file.
